So, I'm Maddie. I'm 21!!! I hate peas, rude people, and being angry. Teal is my favorite color, I am a fine arts college student, and I love funny things, How I Met Your Mother, and OUAT. I'm attending a public liberal arts college really close to NC. I love every day of my life.
That’s when I feel it the most.
When my guard is down, when I am beginning to relax. It’s like a heavy blanket gets laid on top of me, and I struggle to get away from it. It possessively hugs me, holds me down, and covers me when I don’t want anything to even touch me. I don’t want to be touched.
But yet every night it seems this blanket gets laid on me. Sometimes I can fight it off. Sometimes I don’t relax, or lay down in bed at all. I just fall into this strange sleep where it feels like I just closed my eyes. I can’t remember the last good dream I had.
The blanket on top of me smothers out the good dreams. It smothers my life out.
I can feel my life leaving sometimes.
Slipping away from me as I am crushed by the blanket.
Sometimes I want to numb the pain the blanket puts on me. I want to drink that liquor I have in the cabinet in the kitchen. No not my kitchen. This isn’t my house. Another memory to weigh the blanket down.
Most nights I just fall asleep with the weight keeping me still. I am too exhausted to fight. Too tired to fight for my own life. My own dreams.
The blanket will come tomorrow, no matter how many birds sing, or how many smiles I give, or laughs I let out. The blanket will be ready for me.
Ready to remind me what I really feel deep down inside.
I feel heavy. I feel smothered. I feel pressure. I feel crushed. I am crushed.
I am that damn blanket. I’m pushing my life away.
Bob Ross used to be a drill sergeant but quit because he hated having to shout at people.
I will never not reblog this because whenever I feel bad and really sad I just watch some episodes of “Joy of Painting” and suddenly everything seems a little better :)